Written by: Indira Sukmariana
Illustration by: Pricharia Via

There are two kinds of missing you

One, when my heart flutters in fond remembrance and i’d pick up the phone and call you because i know you’d always answer when i call. the kind where i smile and grin and laugh when i see your face through the small screen of my phone. the kind kind.

Two, the kind that pulls at my heart and paralyzes my body. the kind when i know i can’t physically bring myself to call you just because. 

Because i don’t want you to see me in pain.

So i reread the poem you wrote me and the voice notes i have of you and the pictures i forced you to send.

And i weep,

I weep for me and my lover and the birds and flowers who died alongside a part of me that Saturday afternoon.

So take me, then, to a field of roses just to see a sunflower against the sun

And i would paint you in yellow and pink and blue and white and purple

I’d paint you with my smile and my tears and my dreams

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